Buhtt sex?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
