I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
