the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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