Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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