im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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