this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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