my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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