And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
