walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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