Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
