I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
