made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
