Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
