Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
