guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
