Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
