Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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