If i come over, it means nothing
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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