i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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