We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
