we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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