Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I deserve this hangover.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
