I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
