The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
