too bad you live with your parents still
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
