im about as happy as oj after his trial
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
