If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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