i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
