Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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