So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
why do cheetos always look like penises
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
