I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
