I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
