I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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