I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
