there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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