Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
