he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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