You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
