going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize