i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
