No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
