So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize