I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize