You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Please, let me fuck your mom
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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