it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
