Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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