the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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