i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize