whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
