I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You did what with his pubic hair?
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