Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
