No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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