i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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