Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
