she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
we should paint friendship bongs
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