He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
