The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
