she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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