I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
