i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
