WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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