Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
