Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
