im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
